On Mourning

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4

My grandfather was a fantastic man, am I am blessed that for 23 years he was my grandfather. But the time came for him to leave us a few days ago. The verse above has taken on a new meaning in my life this week. I knew that in a time of mourning, that God would provide me and my family with peace, but I had not expected to be surrounded by such love and support from my friends. My friends are surrounding me with such love and care. It doesn't at all stop the pain, but it alleviates the hurt.

I cannot say I didn't have enough time with Grandpa, he was ninety years old. He and Grandma were married for 60 years. They had five children together. Seventeen grandchildren. One great-granddaughter. Grandpa served in WWII, he was an inventor, and an all-around amazing man. Truly one of the last of his generation.

And as sad as I am at this time, I cannot be sad that he is gone. The past five years were awful as his health steadily declined. He had battled cancer in the late nineties and ended up having a lung removed. He went on to live another fifteen years after the surgery. What is hard, however, is seeing my Grandmother without her husband. She is physically unbalanced as she walks around, she looks so dazed and lost. The wake yesterday was awful. Seeing Grandpa in the casket like that....it wasn't him. My Grandpa was gone, that wasn't him. Grandma looked so tied and frail. When the time came to leave and go back to her house, she didn't want to leave him. She was sobbing on my momma and daddys shoulders. And Grandpas sister, his only remaining sibling, is just as heartbroken. I saw her, and I saw myself, seventy, or eighty years down the road all alone at my last siblings funeral. Seeing them sobbing during the wake was physically painful...

I'm finding out that grief is a strange thing. It is a physical pain, it hits you at strange times. It messes with your head. The aunts, uncles, and cousins all came in for the funeral, and spending the past few days with them  has helped immensely. We filled Grandmas house with love and memories together. But when the time came for us to say goodnight and go home, that's when things would get worse for me. The only night I didn't cry myself into exhaustion, was the night that one of my friends skyped with me and sang to me silly musicals. But this is all just a part of the grieving process, this is all normal. I will be ok. Not today. Not tomorrow. But every day I get a little bit better, a little closer to ok.

Day 15: Someone or Something You Can't Live Without

No, that is not my family. But it would be cool if it was.

I could never exist without my family. I know, I know, cheesy reply. But anything else I could think of (car, i-pod, cell phone, books, shoes) just wasn't as necessary as my family. I can exist without my family, but I make more sense within the context of the family fold. We complement each other, drive each other crazy, and love each other to bits. Even when we disagree or are faced with hard times, we band together.

I think for our next family picture, the kids (all eight of us including me and the two daughters in law) should be wearing full KISS makeup

Update: Family Health

To understand what I'll be addressing in this post, read this post. I'll wait.
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All caught up? Ok, lets go.

So, since that, I'm sad to say that things have not gotten better with my uncle. He and my Grandma are constantly fighting and not speaking. Just as soon as they start to talk again, they fight again. And the fights spread to Momma. She is constantly being put in the middle of a situation that is hundreds of miles away and hears two very different accounts of what is happening. So, with my stubborn Uncle trapped in the anger/denial phase, our contact with him has become very limited. When Momma talks to him it just upsets her, so they don't talk very much lately.

But things are a tad brighter for Aunt A. She had a total hysterectomy and had a LARGE tumor removed from her abdomen. After that surgery, she began chemo right away. I'm not sure how treatments are going yet, she's only been going for two weeks. But in the time that all this has been going on, her lungs have been fulling back up with fluid. That is probably a bad sign and could point to the cancer perhaps growing somewhere else. Aunt A hasn't brought it up, so Momma doesn't ask.

I've mentioned this before, but my faith is really important to me. My family, my church, and many of my friends are all praying for my aunt, uncle, and Momma. My uncle is still resistant, he doesn't want people praying for him. I'm not sure if he'd go so far as to blame God yet, but I also wouldn't put it past him. But Aunt A, oh WOW. She has gone from totally running from God to appreciating all the prayers we've heaped on her. People from our church who she's never met have been sending her cards and messages. Our pastor and his wife have visited her, she later told Momma that they were the only pastors she'd want to see and pray with. Once she's better she has told Momma she wants to come to church and thank everyone for their kindness and prayers. :)

So, I guess the moral of this story is: Sometimes things change. Sometimes things stay the same. And sometimes we get a miracle.